Finding my inner bitch

This morning, I talked to my good friend and lover who lives halfway across the country. It was a deeper talk than usual and one we needed to have. Since my divorce, he's slipped slowly out of my life. He's been busy. Stressed. Absent.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'll do better."

"I don't want apologies, I just want you back," I said.

The couple of good friends who know about our relationship think his absence is a good thing. They think I should move on. But I'm not ready. He was there for me. He knows the real me because I can be her around him. And he's the best lover. Ever.

My friends think I deserve better because I'm his secret. Still. Even though I'm now a single girl.

My best girls tell me I shouldn't be anyone's secret. They tell me I'm too nice. Men meet me and see a vulnerable target. An easy hookup.

Ouch.

But it's true. I saw it last weekend. After an intellectually and physically stimulating night with a friend, I got the I-enjoy-my-privacy-so-whatever-happened-last-night-has-to-stay-between-us text. (Read Laugh, live, love and labels for the story.)

Ouch. That hurt.

From today on, I'll be nobody's secret. Ever.

There's nothing that should make anyone want to keep me a secret. And if they do, fuck 'em. And if I can't tell the world about a guy, I'm not sharing anything with him but hello . . . then goodbye.

I'm tired of hurt. I don't want to give and give and never receive. I did it during my marriage, and I'm doing it again. No more nights with men who don't remember. No more texts about keeping things private. No more secret encounters.

Starting today, I'm finding my inner bitch and using it at will.

It's going to be hard. Being a bitch isn't my nature unless someone really pushes me to the edge. I don't even know how to be a bitch. But my friends will help. They'll tell me when I'm being too nice. When I need to say goodbye. It's what I need make that vulnerability go away.

No single girl should be anyone's secret.

Beware of the bitch, and don't say I didn't warn you.

Love to the single girls,
Addison