Being a bachelor is no excuse

Recently a group of neighbors and friends have started doing "family dinner" nights. We take turns hosting pot lucks at our places.

Last night we trekked across town to a friend's place. He just moved from a different apartment in the building where he and his girlfriend lived until she cheated on him to this one. I wrote a little about him the other day. The only other time I'd been there was on moving day a couple of weeks ago. He hadn't unpacked the kitchen yet that night so it was empty.

It's still empty, but he's unpacked now.

Here's the scene I walked into. I unloaded my bottle of wine and side dish in the kitchen. One other couple had just arrived, and they were setting out appetizers.

My friend walked into his kitchen and said, "I bought food but I'm not cooking it."

I looked in the fridge and saw ingredients for chicken fajitas and burgers. The raw chicken strips were still rock solid frozen. "Who's cooking?" I asked.

He said our friend agreed to cook if he bought the food. So I poured some wine, nibbled on appetizers and chatted with people as they arrived. An hour later, people were still arriving but there was no sign of the friend who had promised to cook.

"Uhm, you think we should start cooking?" I asked the host. "It's after 8."

"Sure, have at it," he said.

After a series of dirty and confused looks, this single girl who rarely cooks went into a strange man's kitchen and started thawing the block of chicken. I frantically opened cabinets looking for ingredients and pans.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"Do you have any seasonings or oil?" I even checked the bathroom and bedroom for coconut oil. The bachelor's kitchen was so empty it didn't even have salt or pepper. 

He shook his head. "I eat every meal out," he said. "I got so lost and confused in Walmart that an employee asked if I needed help."

My eyes got big. "I'm trying to imagine fajitas without seasoning." He laughed and pulled out two packets of fajita seasoning in the almost empty drawer that only held bug spray.

The host made a quick run to the market downstairs for the necessities - like paper plates since he only had about six. By now there were about 15 people there and the friend who had promised to cook had arrived. She took the burgers to the roof to grill them, and one of the other guests came in the kitchen to help me when I asked for a volunteer to chop the onion.

Yes, I cooked. I also made everyone promise to not tell anyone.

I'm still trying to figure out why I didn't sit my ass down and drink like everyone else. By the end of the night people were asking me where stuff was in his kitchen - like I knew? The good thing was it kept me busy so I didn't have to chat with a couple of really annoying people there. And my cooking partner was nice. His girlfriend was one of the annoying people. Maybe that's why he was cooking too?

I'm always talking about single women being financially and emotionally independent. Now I'm turning the tables. This bachelor needs to man up. Stock his kitchen and learn how to use it. We made a deal. He'll help me handle my sports car and my pistol better and I'll help him maneuver a grocery store. But cooking is his problem. Who's getting the better deal? I'll wait 'til he calls me.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Once and done

I had an interesting conversation via text today. We were firming up dinner plans for tomorrow. During the exchange, I asked him how his week was so far.

"Week is ok," he texted back. "Had a date last night, other than that normal."

I had to respond. "So your date wasn't normal?"

"It was good," he said. "I took her home this morning, but I think it's just another once and done. Kinda getting tired of those."

That life keeps a single person busy but lonely. So why do people do it? Is it for companionship? Something to do? It was a Tuesday, so I wonder if either of them considered it an "A" date.

He's a good guy from what I can tell. He has a job and an income. He lives alone, drives a nice car and seems responsible. But he's another one who was burned by his last girlfriend. She cheated on him and he gave her the boot. After living in their old apartment alone, he just moved down a few floors to his own.

As an interesting side note, she's the second girl recently who split with guys I know. The bizarre part is that both guys weren't around when the girls moved out - and both girls took the bed. Both guys said the beds were theirs. As someone who was in that situation almost a year ago, our bed was the last thing I wanted to take with me. I wanted a new one - with with new bed karma and none of him.

My gut tells me people keep doing these "once and done" dates because they seem safe. They're short, sometimes very sweet and no one wants anything in return. And they don't have to lay their heart out there. They don't have to be vulnerable. Most jilted single people don't want to make a commitment beyond which side of the bed they'll sleep on. I'm not sure many of us can think that far into the future this soon after a big breakup.

And another commitment may mean another hurt. And no one wants another broken heart.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Frogs

One of my dear friends gave me a tin of gummy frogs for Valentine's. I'm not sure if she's just laughing at the concept of girls having to kiss a lot of toads in the search for love or if the message is I'm kissing too many toads already.

She's met a few of them, so I fear it's the latter - including the one I describe as the new guy.

I know this is the stuff of fairy tales. But for many of us single girls, it's real life too. How many do we have to kiss to find the good ones? Our prince?

Okay, this is going to sound really bad. Here are some of my toads I've kissed since I've been single. There's the one who complained about everything and the one who didn't remember. He was too drunk. Then there was the one who put me in a headlock in the pub.

Now it's time to laugh with me. How could I know? None of these were worth it. Of course there are the couple of privacy guys. If they earn the right to kiss me, it's not going to be a secret. I won't kiss any of those toads again.

Most recently, new guy, who's on the rebound and extremely confused, fell asleep on me twice. While he was inside of me. Really? He had way too much to drink both times. A frog? Probably.

Don't get me wrong, they're not all frogs or toads. Some of the guys I've been out with are true princes. They're just someone else's and not mine.

I keep hoping after I chew up one of these sugary frogs, my prince will appear. So I'll keep nibbling on the frogs until I meet my prince.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Old ghosts

We all carry old memories - ghosts that still haunt us. One of my personal ghosts popped back up in my professional life. It's one that deals with trust and respect for one another.

My ex betrayed my confidence, disappointed and belittled me so many times that I'm hypersensitive whenever trust or respect are at stake.

Just before Christmas, a professional friend broke my confidence and then discounted my reaction. He said I was being dramatic. I asked him which particular part of  "do not share this conversation" did he not understand. By repeating what I had told him, he stirred up a bunch of people unnecessarily and then told me I didn't handle it right.

I haven't spoken to him since.

He's tried calling and emailing but I can't even bring myself to listen to the voice mail. This isn't the first time he's been this way, but it's definitely the worst. He thinks he's a narcissist. I think he's right.

Rebuilding my ability to trust is hard. It's part of my healing process and something I need to tackle before I consider another relationship.

The most difficult part is knowing when to forgive and move forward and when it's better to cut people out of your life. Its most important to stay true to yourself.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Reaching 200

This blog has reached a milestone - 200 posts. It's a milestone for me as well. Two hundred times now, since the first one late last August, I've unloaded my thoughts and experiences; confessed mistakes and admitted fears.

But most of all, it's a milestone for you. You regulars have stuck with the blog and new readers join every day. The goal us to laugh at my mistakes and learn from them. Hopefully you'll laugh - or cry - along with me and maybe avoid taking the same missteps. I'm sure you've had a few.

Sometimes the posts are rambling. Sometimes they're neurotic. All the time they're honest. Raw. True.

Thanks for listening, and you're always welcomed to share.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Mortality

Last night a friend said something that still bothers me. He told me he doesn't think he'll live very long. He thinks his lifestyle will do him in. We were talking about life goals and professional accomplishments. He said he was much more ambitious when he was married, but since he's been single, he doesn't care as much any more. I wish he wouldn't think that way. He has lots to offer.

I also find this perspective hard to relate to on two fronts. First, since I've been on my own, I care more. I'm focused on achieving my personal goals. My desire to be a success - professionally and personally - is even greater now that I'm solo. That desire comes from my gut. It's all for me and not for anyone else.

Second, how can someone know they may not live long because of something they can change? Lifestyle? Really? So, drink less, eat better, sleep more, stop smoking and exercise. If someone wants to achieve any of these but can't on their own, they can get help. If their friends are holding them back, they need new friends - true friends who want the best for those around them.

But they have to want to live.

Losing my friend recently made me think about mortality. She wanted to live and fought for her life for eleven months. Her killer was one she couldn't control. One that hit because of fate and not lifestyle.

Living life well had already been on my mind since the drug dealer in my area passed away. His death was caused by lifestyle. He looked like he enjoyed living, but he could've changed. I'm still amazed by the reactions to his death from people I know. They came out of the woodwork to mourn. And not one of them seems to have gotten a clue.

If you live hard, you die young.

If I died today, I would have no regrets. But there is so much more to do. I want to see what my nieces achieve when they're no longer under my brother-in-law's thumb. I want to see my friends get married, have kids if they choose and accomplish their dreams. I want to see other friends become grandparents. I want to be around for my parents when they need me. I want to publish novels, fall in love, travel to places I've never been and to others I want to visit again. I want to go there with the people I love. These are just some of the reasons I'm obsessed with taking care of myself as well as I can.

Life is precious. I don't want to miss a moment.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

It takes more than love

On Valentine's night last night, a guy asked his girlfriend to marry him. He made arrangements with the restaurant staff beforehand, so my friend who works there told us about it.

When my friend who kept me company for Valentine's headed home to her husband, the groom-to-be planted himself on her bar stool next to me and ordered a Crown straight up to add to his beer. He leaned over and said, "I'm about to ask my fiance to marry me."

"Wow, that's nice," I said. "What's she going to say?"

"We've talked about it already," he answered and sipped on the whisky.

"Why don't you save the Crown for after?"

"I'm celebrating," he answered. "It's my first drink."

I look at the beer and his childish eyes. "Where is she?"

"She's in the car having a drink since she's underage."

I smiled. "Good luck to you."

Not long after, I looked behind me and saw him kneel to one knee and present the ring to her. She put it on and they embraced. He's so young - only 21 - and his fiance is only 19. She wasn't even allowed to sit at the bar with him. They looked happy. In love. But they looked like a couple at their high school prom.

I know it's just an engagement and not a marriage, but I hope they wait since it takes so much more than love to make a marriage work. I know. I'm not so good at it.

Love is the foundation, but it also takes respect - like the frame of a house - to hold a marriage up. It's respect for yourself, your partner and others in your lives. Trust protects you from outside elements like the walls of a home. Patience, forgiveness and a ginormous sense of humor act as the roof to keep you from drowning in all of the unexpected things that hit during a marriage. Without all of these, you find your marriage lying flat on a cold hard concrete slab.

My friend and Valentine's date knows what I mean. She's leaning on all of these elements to forgive her husband from doing something incredibly stupid a couple of weeks ago. Until then, he's in the dog house and the dog is cozy and warm indoors.

Many couples coast through a relationship drunk or high, and I hope that's not where this couple is headed. It's just to hard to make things work when one or both aren't there 100%.

I thought I had found my life partner before and I hope to again. It's a decision and a journey both people have to take very seriously. When you both do, it's a beautiful thing. Cheers to the happy couple. I hope the best for them.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Life's too short

People come and go from this earth every day, but some affect those they leave behind more than others. I learned this morning an amazing woman's life was cut short. She was one of the most genuinely beautiful people I've ever known. She left every room and life she entered brighter.

I knew her because we both write. We encouraged and supported each other's efforts, and I was always happier after I had talked to or seen her. She helped make me a better person. My heart hurts for her family, but I feel lucky she was in my life for a short while.

But now I'm angry that a living thing like cancer can overtake such a beautiful person's body. I hate that she spent the last eleven months of her life since the diagnosis in surgery, treatment and pain. I'm angry it happened so fast. But I'm also glad it happened fast so her pain she hid so well could end.

She never knew about my separation and divorce, but she inspired me in the darkest moments. Her battle started about the time my new life did. If I had told her, she would have put aside her own problems to make sure I was okay. That's just who she was. She wasn't a single girl, but every time drama overwhelmed me, I thought of her. My problems were trivial. I could handle my ex's hateful words and mean spirit because I had my health. I could manage any moment of loneliness since I had what I knew would be a happy future ahead.

She didn't.

Your writing, your spirit and your life will continue to inspire me. Every time the sun shines, I'll know it's your light. Hugs to you, my love.

Life's too short.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Can there be too much?

This new world of nebulous labels - friends, lovers, friends with benefits (you know what I mean) - opens things up for some very revealing conversations.

Some conversations are ones I'm not sure I want to have.

Last night the guy I've described as the new guy suggested we go out for a bit, so he came by and picked me up. Over drinks, he told me more about the 1920s themed birthday party he's going to this Saturday night. The birthday girl invited him as her date. He loves the 20's fashions and is working on his outfit - all the way down to the accessories.

"I'm even going to wear my grandfather's cuff links," he said.

"Nice," I said. "Make sure you make it home with those."

He laughed. "Yeah, I need a checklist to make sure I don't leave anything at her place Sunday morning."

"Oh, you're already planning to stay over?"

"Yeah," he said. "She's a cool girl.."

That's what friends do though, right? They talk. Share thoughts and experiences. His words aren't hurtful to me since we're not dating, but they make me stop and think. I'm not sure I want to know - especially since he was in my bed last weekend. He told me about this party the other day.

"It's okay," he said. "We're just friends."

I know what that means. "Friends like we are?"

"Yes," he said.

But how many "friends" does one guy need?

Does it hit my ego? Am I concerned about him? I'm just not sure. I know I've discovered more about him than she has. And I set the bar pretty high for the other girls. Maybe there's a little curiosity.

But the line is extremely narrow between fulfilling my curiosity and too much information.

Now I understand something my long-time friend and lover said to me in New York. He reads this blog sometimes, but he told me he doesn't really like to. He feels voyeuristic. He said he's not sure he wants to know. He may or may not have a specific reason, but I get it. Sometimes there can just be too much.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

My special Valentine's Day meaning

Today has a special meaning to me, but it's not the typical day for love you might expect. It's a day that turned my world upside down. It's the day one year ago I decided to leave my ex and begin my new life.

There was a lover involved but it wasn't my ex. I spent the night and day with the man who had helped me through some of the tough times. We had a beautiful 24 hours together that February 14. We barely left the hotel room. I wore lacy outfits and the sex was amazing. We only dressed long enough to answer the door for room service. Then I fell asleep in his arms.

We talked and he listened. And I heard what he said too. His words, his energy and his strong but gentle touch helped me build the strength to finally do what I needed to do. And I did. Four weeks later I left, and I haven't looked back since.

I didn't tell him about my decision that day but he probably had a hunch. Until this week I hadn't mentioned the day's significance to anyone, but he probably knew. It's a day I won't forget.

This year, I'm spending the Valentine's evening with friends. While Valentine's is for lovers, it's also a day when I appreciate everyone in my life I care about - both male and female. And I love them all.

I hope you're good to yourself and to someone else this Valentine's Day.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Sharp eyes

On this Ash Wednesday, even though I'm not Catholic, I'm going to try be better at hiding the expressions on my face. I don't need to say a word for someone to know what I'm thinking. My face gives it away.

Last night my good friend and I stopped by the local pub's Mardi Gras party after our somewhat regular Tuesday night sushi dinner. The party was in full swing when we arrived - complete with beads, hurricanes and masks. And I didn't even know until last night there were special Mardi Gras outfits. Unfortunately the people wearing them shouldn't have.

While there, another friend wanted a new Facebook profile pic, so she lined up a group of girls. One of them was decked out in Mardi Gras attire and asked if I wanted a mask for the pic.

"Sure," I said. Why not show a little festive spirit.

She smiled and handed me an attractive mask with colorful feathers trimming it. But the mask would cover my entire face.

The friend who wanted the pic was listening. "It's for a picture," she said. "We want to see her face."

I looked at the mask and then the women who gave it to me. "Thanks! I'll hold it right next to my face."

I think she holds a grudge.

This is the woman I've written about before. Around the Christmas and New Year holidays, she sent super flirty texts at the same time to a group of guys who compared texts and laughed about it. One of the recipients told me what happened. This is the same guy I have the code word cigarette with, and the first time he used it was to be rescued from her. She's also the one who flashed her bra for a group after-party pic a few weeks ago. She also accidentally flashed her naked crotch at me while she walked down steep winding stairs at the New Year's Eve after party. It would've helped if her dress had covered her ass and if she had worn panties.

Not long after these unfortunate events, a friend repeated something she told him. "She doesn't like your sharp eyes," he said. "But I wouldn't think anything of it. She's kind of crazy."

She's also the one wearing the most offensive Mardi Gras outfit.

She wasn't alone though. Another woman wore a strapless dress that kept scooting down. Unfortunately her tits are permanently scooted down. My friend and I wondered if she'd flash her tits from the top or bottom of her dress. Oddly, she also had back cleavage. I didn't know that was possible.

I don't mean to judge, but I also expect a couple of decades of adulthood will give a girl a solid foundation of what's decent. If not, the years should at least leave the wisdom to look in the mirror before walking out the door.

This leads me to what I'm going to try giving up for Lent - my sharp eyes. As I watched a group of girls bump and grind last night, I told my friend she was missing the show. She said she didn't need to watch it. She could see it through my face.

I always relate to hawks since they seem to follow me wherever I go. Their eyes only hold one expression. Perhaps I'll try to do the same, and hopefully it won't be sharp.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Sweet and sour

The other night I proved to two of my best friends, along with a bar full of people, that I'm too sweet.

My friend was visiting for a few days so we headed for a couple of cocktails and dinner at the restaurant where my other good friend works. Not long after we arrived, a man sat at the bar next to me. My friend knew him as a regular but hadn't seen him in a while. The three of us had a friendly chat at first and our other friend joined us when she had a few minutes between mixing drinks.

He asked my friend if she had ever been a model. The question didn't surprise me since both of my friends are gorgeous.

Then things changed. The man stared. He rubbed my arm; caressed my back and shoulders. He stared at my ass and made comments over the bar about it. He made himself part of our conversation. It was awkward.

That's when he described us as sweet and sour - me as sweet my friend sour. She told him he was right on, but I was trying to ignore it. For the record I don't agree.

Then our fish tacos arrived. I picked at the plate with my fork then leaned over to my friend. "I don't want to open my mouth to eat."

She laughed but totally knew what I meant.

I picked up that first taco anyway, opened my mouth and bit in. No one was going to ruin our dinner. But then things got downright uncomfortable. The man asked me what I do with my free time and if I wanted someone to spend it with.

"I work all the time, so I have no free time," I said. "I never stop."

He shook his head. "I'm sure you do something - like to spend time with someone."

I didn't hesitate. "Just my friends like the two here. I just divorced and am a total mess." I may have had quick answers but I was rattled. My fork fell off my plate at least five times, and I was wishing we were somewhere else. My friend and I both texted our friend who worked there for help.

By now, she and another bartender, the bar back, a couple of patrons and the manager were watching and wondering WTF along with us. Knowing my face is like a mood ring, I'm sure they knew I was close to panic. He wouldn't stop.

"Everyone has needs though," he said. "I'm sure you know what I mean."

"Not me. I want no man in my life in any way. None of any way, shape or form," I answered. "I need space. Lots of it."

He wouldn't give up.

That's when my friend gently pushed me back and with the most severe look I've seen on her, she said, "I don't like you." She was leaning forward in her chair like she was about to smack him. "You've known her for twenty minutes and won't leave her alone."

The manager stepped in then. "Sir, please come with me." Everyone around the bar stared at the man but he just sat there sipping his drink. "These ladies are trying to eat their dinner," the manager said.

"Can I finish my drink?" the man asked.

"Yes, but other there," the manager responded before he escorted the man out of the restaurant. He wasn't even man enough to leave a tip. But could we expect someone like that to ever consider others? I have to confess, I was  little nervous when we walked to the car and wished I hadn't taken my pistol out of my purse that morning.

I'm in awe of my visiting friend for standing up for me and of my other friend for keeping things professional. We laughed the rest of the evening and the next day about what happened. Now I have to practice not being so sweet - especially to people I don't know.

Innocent flirting is fun, but when a man pushes himself on any single girl, he deserves whatever he might get - and he doesn't deserve you!

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Glimmer of spring

Parts of the last two weeks have been warm and sunny outside. It's been warm enough for the bed of tulips in the park to start budding out. There was just enough spring to tease us. Then another wintry day like today reminds us it's still winter.

These are the days I have to remind myself we don't always have to get our "spring" from the weather. Instead I call or Facetime with a friend or just trade texts with people who make me happy. I know it helps me, and hopefully I bring a little warmth into their days as well.

We all need a little help - especially if you live in a cold climate where winter lingers for six months. We're lucky enough here to only have chilly days about three months out of the year.

On these last few wintry days, I met my good friend and her boyfriend for a drink after a long work week and visited a friend who had just left his old girlfriend karma behind by moving to a new apartment. The week started with my best friend's visit for a couple of days. We went out, invited people over and just hung out. She's gone home now but left a little spring behind.

There are also loads of ways to get that warm spring feeling without involving others. Go to the gym or for a walk or run. Take the time to read a good book or watch a feel-good movie. A massage or mani/pedi is a nice treat. Sleep in. Or write something. This blog always leaves me feeling energized.

Take care of yourself in any way that makes you happy. We all deserve a little spring.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

 

We didn't work then and wouldn't now

Last night, I met my ex-before-my-ex for drinks. It had been more than two years since I had seen him last.

As soon as he walked into the restaurant and just after hello, he went into this long monologue about his frustrations dealing with the phone company to set up a wireless hot spot for his dad's rural home. We got a table near the bar, ordered drinks and toasted when they arrived. His story was still in progress and went on for at least 20 minutes.

As soon as he finished, he took a breath, smiled and said, "So, how are you?"

Things rarely change.

I just shook my head and laughed. "Fabulous. Never been better."

"Are you still married?," he asked. "Where do you live now?"

I guess Facebook doesn't reveal as much as I thought or he would know the answers. Or maybe he just wanted to hear it straight from me.

We caught up on people we both knew, love and life in general. Since I've known him he's never been completely happy. He never seems satisfied, but he's never willing to make the effort to make changes. The he told me a little about his relationship with the artist he's been dating for about two years.

"We're not kids anymore," he said. "It doesn't have to be fireworks between us."

I disagree and told him so. "Everyone deserves steamy passion in their relationships."

Sometimes we have to revisit the past as a reminder of why we left it there. 

Love to the single girls,
Addison

A little Valentine test of our friendship

I just did a little test on the relationship with my special friend of about the last month. He called last night to catch up since I haven't seen him since before my trip to New York. Later last night, I texted an invitation to a friendly Valentine's dinner at my place.

His answer this morning, "Can't but thanks."

The response doesn't surprise me, and I'm not disappointed. But these three words speak volumes about our friendship. Weekend before last when his best hangout buddy was away in Las Vegas, he was with me every night. I was there when he needed me. We had fun with just each other and with others. I kept him company and, I hope, provided a much different type of companionship than his guy friend would have.

He may think the Valentine's Day invitation means more than it does. Maybe he met someone while I was away, or perhaps he plans to hang out with the guys that night. Who knows. It seems like friends would though.

If you've been following this blog, I'm on the constant path to building better relationships with both friends and lovers. I want (and need) people in my life who are equals in a relationship. People who are responsible and treat each other and others with respect. I want to be around people I can trust.

Each experience is a lesson, and I learn something every day.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Moving in

A few weeks ago, I had a fascinating conversation with three single guys. They proved how some single girls meet a guy and by the next day, they're in a relationship. Leaving panties and makeup at his place. Assuming all free time will be together.

What? They barely know each other's last names. It would be like taking a spoon to the sugar canister instead of eating a slice of cake. Or even better, like taking a bite out of the cow grazing in the pasture rather than the cooked steak.

A real relationship doesn't happen until weeks and months have passed. Two people have to get to know each other. Blend. The relationship needs to gel and mature while each also keeps an independent life - and a separate address.

In New York the other day, I caught up with a friend I met last summer. Her husband shattered her perfect family with the perfect two kids in the perfect home when he asked for a divorce a couple of years ago. She's just a little ahead of me in her single life and started dating a man last summer that she liked at the time. One thing led to another, and now he's moved in. Her space is now also his because he no longer has his own. She regrets it and wants to have separate addresses. But how do you kick a guy out of your home without kicking the relationship out with him?

My two neighborhood friends have it right. Not long ago, a group of us were at a local restaurant listening to a singer. I looked down on the floor and saw her bag with a toothbrush sticking out and laughed as I grabbed my camera. It was her sleep-over-at-her-boyfriend's bag.

She was embarrassed when I snapped a pic. I don't know why though. Everyone does it at some point. I'm guessing there are panties, a change of clothes and some makeup in that bag too. Their relationship is approaching its one-year anniversary, and she has her address and he has his. They spend lots of days and nights together but not all. Their goal is to maintain independent lives so they appreciate their life together more.

What's your move-in story and the most unique  item in your sleep-over-at-the-boyfriend's bag?

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Fear and strip clubs

Last night my friend and I were in a conversation with the bartender while sipping wine. I'm not sure how the topic of strip clubs came up, but he was telling us about taking his brother-in-law to one. My friend said her boyfriend would never dare go. She would never let him. Our bartender friend said he would never dare go to one either.

"My wife would kill me," he said. The strip club outing was was a favor to his wife because his brother-in-law he has muscular dystrophy and never had the opportunity to do things like that.

The conversation made me think. None of my partners have ever had that kind of fear of me. Maybe that's part of the problem. I'm too nice; too accepting of who they are. A little of that is good to avoid becoming naggy.

But should there be fear between partners in a relationship? I'm not sure it's actually fear but rather deep respect. Respect for the relationship, their partner's beliefs and values as an individual. Maybe there's a little fear of losing their friend, partner and lover. That hint of fear is healthy.

Not everyone builds this kind of respect and that glimmer of fear within their relationship. I believe some people aren't capable. I hope my next relationship has it though.

We can't change someone, but we can walk away.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Coming home

Last night I didn't come home to an empty house. As soon as I unlocked the door, Lucy ran down the stairs and met me just inside.

Okay, she may be a cat, but it helps when you live alone to have a warm body there to greet you. And I know she'll always be happy to see me.

I never knew what I would find when I came home to my ex. Sometimes he would sit on the sofa glued to the TV while I carried in my bags. I'd barely get a hello. Sometimes he'd stop what he was doing and welcome me. And other times he'd be pissed about something he couldn't find or that I did or didn't do or his bad day at work. One time he didn't like a Facebook post from my trip and he shut me out of the garage and met me at the door yelling. It was always unpredictable. I dreaded going into my house that wasn't so much of a home.

My place might be rented now, but it's home. It's warm and inviting. Friends check in to make sure I made it okay and I know Lucy's always there and happy to see me - as long as I devote all of my attention to her, that is.

Single or not, everyone deserves a welcome home.

Love to the single girls,

Addison

Reflection

As I sit in the airport in New York waiting for my flight home, I'm reflecting back on the trip. It's one of the best trips I've had in years.

Now that I'm single, I can relax when I travel. I can stay as long as I want. I can do anything that fancies me and know everything will be okay when I get home. With my ex, I never knew what out-of-control crisis I might walk into.

This trip, I spent the days with two of my best girlfriends and my nights with a man who will always have a piece of my heart. This time things were more calm. Grown up. Drama free. Each of the three relationships progressed, and my two friends are a little more accepting of my relationship with him.

And we had so much fun. We heard amazing live jazz at a club, ate great food, shopped and got to hang out with NY locals for the Super Bowl. Speakers and other writers taught me new things and inspired me to write even more from the heart than ever - and more often too.

I miss everyone and everything already. My two girlfriends and I plan to get together in a few months and my guy friend plans to visit in a month. I can't wait to do it all again.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

It sounds different coming out of his daughter's mouth

This morning I had a very unexpected conversation with my good friend and lover's teenage daughter. He and I walked over to say hello to her. The three of us small talked for a minute.

"You're so lucky my dad didn't sleep in your room last night," she said.

I stopped breathing and looked over at the other people in ear range hoping they were napping.

They weren't.

Then she continued. "The sounds coming out of him were sounds I've never heard before," she continued.

"Ear plugs," was all I could think of to say in response.

I snuck a glance at him and he was laughing at how he sleeps when he has a cold. I guess I was the only one feeling a little uncomfortable.

This afternoon she went shopping with my two friends and me. What single girl can visit NYC without shopping? I have two tops and two dresses I didn't have this morning. And I bought her a cute lacy sweater that was a bit if a splurge for her. But I made her promise not to tell her dad.

I guess by making me a lot uncomfortable we grew a little closer.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Super Bowl in Manhattan

Today is a first. It's my first Super Bowl party in Manhattan.

One of my new author friends lives on the Upper West Side and invited my two friends and me to a little Super Bowl party.

Their apartment is amazing. It's one lady's childhood home, and her partner is an architect and used her skills to get rid of the childhood ghosts from the home. This funny historical postcard was a small art of their entryway decorating.

Yummy munchies and three New York style pizzas later we're at half time. Out of a dozen if us, only one is a guy. Another first. I'm watching the Super Bowl with women - and about a third of the group are lesbians. Everyone loves football.

But the halftime show is what everyone wants to see. And we're getting shushed for speaking as the hot show begins.

Love to the single girls,

Addison

At peace

One of the nice things about this trip to New York is getting to see my friend and lover. But this trip is different.

I'm at peace.

We've had this thing going on for three years. On past trips similar to this I was always a little anxious. When he wasn't around I wondered where he was and what he was doing even though I knew he was busy presenting and doing his thing at the conference.

This time I'm comfortable. We're both busy doing what we have to do. I'm not sure how to say it in words, but I'm happy with where we do or don't end up. Whether our relationship will become more intense or fade. I know where we've been and no one can take that away.

He's not the one.

On this trip, so far he's treated me almost girlfriend like. We're relaxed - together as a couple - whether we're in a group or alone. We've had lots of time together both alone and with others. And

I'm in control. At peace.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Sometimes we over think

Yesterday my friend who's also in NYC got an email from an agent that he's interested in one of her books. He took it home and read the entire novel overnight and scheduled a call with her Monday.

Now she's having second thoughts. She's not sure he's the one.

This is when a girl (single or not) has to decide what she wants. Then she has to prioritize. Maybe he can't fulfill her every need, but that's not the real question. Can he sell her book to an editor who will publish it?

I also want to sell my manuscript some day. I have to finish it first though. My head and heart have been more into writing this blog and deciding what I want in life and love.

What I want in love right now is simple. I want to have fun. This may change, but I'm not looking for my life-long love. I'm picky though. I only want to have fun with nice and very respectable and respectful people. The guys I know now aren't the one. They can't meet my every need. Maybe my needs are too great, but their mine and their important. But today, if they can't have fun and be respectable then bye-bye.

There's nothing to over think, and I'm happy where I am.

Love to the single girls,
Addison

Being me in the Big Apple

I woke up this morning in NYC. This is such a fabulous place - one where a person can never run out of things to do. Two of my best friends are here too. We're all writers, and we're all trying to get published - well they are. I'm still trying to finish my manuscript. We haven't seen each other in more than three months, and I love every second were together.

I also get to see my good friend - the one who helped me survive the last two years of my marriage. My friend and lover. This is where it gets complicated.

My two good girlfriends don't like the relationship I have with him. But I've never officially told them a relationship exists.

Last night my two friends and I enjoyed a jazz show by the fabulous Diane Spraal. After dinner and the show, we loaded into the cab. It must've been the three glasses of wine that gave me the courage. I leaned forward and looked at them down the cab's long back seat and said, "I've had a relationship for the last three years with . . . ."

One response, "Of course you are."

"We've known that forever," my other friend said.

They think I can do better; find some one who's there for me when I need him. I don't disagree, but I'm not ready to let go.

I met him in the hotel bar later. I hadn't seen him since early November when we talked about the whole relationship privacy thing. For the first time he was openly affectionate. He wasn't private like before. He kissed me in front of his professional peers and his family. It meant a lot - especially considering this is our three year anniversary. Then he stayed the night.

Yesterday was a beautiful start to the trip. We had fun, I was honest with my friends (even though they knew), and I reconnected with my lover.

Love to the single girls,
Addison