A hard harmony

Yesterday was one of the most emotionally difficult days of my life.

The first half of the day was the end of an amazing weekend with my new relationship - the first beginning of real relationship since the divorce. The first time I've ventured out beyond some quick fun. And the last half of the day was with my first love. The one I started falling for on my 17th birthday and never really got over.

In some odd quirk of life, the two events - the old and the new - met in harmony on the same day.

The entire weekend, I felt like my soul was exposed. I think I hid it well. During my new friend's visited, I focused completely on him. It was hard to keep from being distracted, but we had an amazing visit. The two of us get along so well. We shopped for things to decorate his new place and went out at night. And we stayed in too - catching me up on Breaking Bad season 1 just in time for the series to end, and the sex was really nice. We're comfortable with each other. He's easy going and gets along with most anyone. I like us together.

There were about two hours between visits - just enough time to try to pull myself together emotionally. But how do you prepare for a visit with your first love that you haven't seen since your honeymoon and who's now married and you're not?

Throughout the evening, I did my best to focus on the moment and not let my head go anywhere else. I picked him up from the airport and took him to his hotel. We had dinner and drinks afterwards until jet lag set in. The conversation never lagged. We talked about our visits with each other and caught up on the past decade-plus since we saw each other last. I asked him if he's happy and he said yes.

Today I'm an emotional wreck. Scattered. I try to concentrate on my work but end up staring out the window or pacing from one end of my little loft to the other. I'm filled with questions - all of the ones I wanted to ask last night but couldn't. Why do you want to spend every minute you're not sleeping or working with me? Does your wife know you're seeing me? Why do you really not want to see my sister - your good friend who lives 10 minutes from your hotel? Have you held on to that love all these years like I have?

Depending on the responses, I might get closure. I can handle it if he has totally moved on. On the other hand, his answers could leave me even more vulnerable. I have a hunch he still has feelings for me. If I hear it from him, my heart will break.

So I won't ask.

I added more time onto my jog this morning to burn off the tension, but that didn't work either. I'll try to make myself work and then write. But perhaps staring out the window is better.

Seeing my first love helped me realize something I've struggled with. For years I've wondered if I've changed - why I habitually pick the wrong guys. He reminded me that I haven't. I knew then who the right guys were and where to find them. I just seem to pick the wrong ones.

I'll see him at least once or twice before he goes back to home to Europe on Thursday, so the drama isn't over yet.

Love to the single girls,
Addison