Why do I want it both ways?

I tell myself and I tell others I don't want a relationship. I'm not ready. Besides, I like being unattached. But I miss it.

Is it bad to want it both ways?

Last night I went with a couple of girlfriends to a local bar for their end of the world party (remember the Mayan calendar thing?). It was great. Lots of people gathered. They were chilled for the most part. And only one newish guy hit on me. He was cute but not for me. It was easy to say no. Especially considering the amount of alcohol most people  consumed - just in case things really ended I suppose. 

Throughout the evening, I hung out with someone else. A friend? Friend with benes? Whatever you call us. Then he went home. He's pursued me off and on since the summer, but I haven't been that interested. Then we were together about two weeks ago. Since that night, I'm more interested. I'm not sure why, but I'd love to see him more. Not date. But he's one of the good guys and easy to like. Today he and I, with another friend, went to a movie where he mentioned the girl he met last night he wants to ask out. In fact, he's already texted her. I guess that puts a more clear label on us, but I was a little disappointed.

I want it both ways.

I said yes to another guy who has been hitting on me for weeks. The festivities. The wine. The holidays. Not having anyone. His subtle approach. The fact that he's nice all the time. It was easy to agree for the first time last night. There was lots of passion. I'm still not looking for a relationship, and neither is he. But it was nice waking up with someone, and he was late to work (oops). Now that the chase is over, I wonder if things will change.

What do you call a relationship that's not a relationship but is full of respect? One with no commitment but you see each other regularly? Sort of.

This is what I want for now. Whatever you call it.

Love to the single girls,

Addison